Void of course.

Please, bear with me for a minute. This, gods willing, will make sense.
When I read through my first Witches' Daybook, I noticed several things. The one that stands out in my mind most is the key symbols for the moon when it enters the 'void of course' stage. It doesn't tend to last very long, a few hours, though the first time I read the phrase, I added a comma. It changed the whole meaning. It became void, of course. Like I was a dummy and should have known better.

Which brings me along side my point. It was totally my doing that had me thinking that negatively of myself. Years and years of conditioning brought me to that point. Not just external conditioning, such as my father telling me to 'not get too big on yourself' when I did well on a test or something (ya, I know, like THAT makes sense) to believing it on an internal level. I think years and years of hearing negative things finally chips away at the armour of self-confidence our spiritual soul already has when we're born with. One chink in the armour is all it takes to let that negativity in and 'poof', it takes twice as long, or longer to shore up that dent and make it strong again. But it's not just getting in shape, being successful, landing the dream job or man or house, or whatever. I know people that don't have those things that are, or at least seem, to be totally content, totally secure and have none of the issues some of us deal with on a daily level. They're either great actors or have absolute confidence. The call is not mine to make.

So, what's the difference between them and us? I think one thing is that they have a course. It may be unknown to them on a conscious level, but I think it still exists. And while I know we all have courses, the difference is, they stick to theirs, while we, the unsure, waver, think that we somehow do not deserve to have that dream house, have that wonderful spouse, be a perfect size 3 or 5 or 7 or 12, whatever. I mean, wow, what would happen if we actually got what we truly wanted? No doubt someone, that evil one-eyed-stinking ogre would slink out from the depths of our dispair and tell us that we don't deserve it. That's why I think we sabatoge ourselves. We eat that caramel pecan treat from Dairy Queen, or gorge ourselves on a whole pizza while no one's looking. ('kKay so I'm guilty on the DQ treat, I did not eat the whole pizza)
I think that as unhappy as we are with ourselves, it's the 'ourselves' we know. It's the proverbial 'devil you know, over the devil you don't' scenerio.

The key, I think, is not only putting out the positive energy into the Universe, ie"I am worthy, MONEY (insert whatever applies here) is attracted to me" yada yada, but it's also having to hardwire those same mantras into our subconscious. I highly doubt this is new. I think I am just at the stage of my evolution that I was ready to figure it out.

Now, for me, this applies to three areas. Health/weight/fitness, writing/becoming a successful author, and getting control of my financial life. I have to learn to give myself permission to be successful at all of the above. I am worthy of being a thin person, I am worthy of being a multipublished author, I am worthy of not having to work my considerable ass off just to come out even. I also know, it won't be an overnight success, but it will be so totally worth it in the end. Now's the time for change. I am truly tired of being void of course.